Sporadically Thankful

It must have been around day eight of “social distancing.” I had been trying to manage working from home while simultaneously pretending to be a preschool teacher. I also was trying to keep up with housework, working out and wrapping my head around the fact that I am 38 weeks pregnant.

Unfortunately, this pregnancy has been different because somewhere along the way I lost who I am. I went from being a patient, compassionate, soft-spoken person to someone who is easily aggravated, snaps at people and insensitive. In fact, all day I find myself searching for who I was and every night I go to bed hoping tomorrow I will feel different. Hoping tomorrow I will not hate who I am both emotionally and physically, however, that day has not come.

Then COVID-19 hit and again I found myself trying to adjust. I tried talking to my three-year-old and explained even though we are home I still have to work, and these zoom meetings are not the same as “face timing” grandma. I tried explaining that everyone is sick right now so there is no school, no gymnastics, or ballet. I tried explaining we cannot have playdates, and although I believe she gets it, it is still hard.

Then around day three, I found myself struggling to manage all of this. My three-year-old no longer understood “no,” and I found myself repeating requests constantly, “please” and “thank you” had disappeared, and the fresh responses were constant. I tried thinking of how I normally would respond but without fail I found I lacked patience.

Later that night I could not fall asleep because everything hurts when you are thirty-eight weeks pregnant and so I started looking at the news. A child was on a ventilator due to COVID-19 and then it hit me. I decided I will stay home forever with my three-year-old, and I will muster up patients, I will hug her constantly and I will play and laugh with her no matter how hard this is because she is here and healthy. I thought about how I could be in a different place right now. I could be the only “support person” in a pediatric wing because my three-year-old who already has asthma is on a ventilator. I thought about how easy it is to remind someone to use their manners so that is what I will do.

I will continue to juggle work and pretend to be a preschool teacher. I will attempt to work out as though I am not about to have a baby and I will be grateful. I will read stories and practice letters while answering emails. I will continue spending afternoons walking and doing yard work without going anywhere for however long is asked of me because secretly this is the time I have always wished for. I have always wished to have this time at home where things are safe and we can be ourselves, we can breathe in fresh air, and we can simply be. So if “please” and “thank you” come and go that is fine with me.