What If I Say Yes...

Lately I have been walking around the house and although I have turned the T.V. off and the only noise is a slight hum from the dryer my mind continues to race. These thoughts are continuous despite my trying to read e mails, or becoming immersed in projects. I try and listen to those around me, because in all honesty if I stop I have to acknowledge the pit in my stomach has not left.

And I can’t say if this is a new awful feeling or it’s the same awful feeling that just subsides at times. In fact, there are days that are slower than others and it is those days that I dread because the distractions are minimal, and I am forced to come to terms with the fact that I am not in control, and this is not what I wanted.

I had been told I could not be a mother due to years of self-inflicted starvation and numerous bouts of medical care but somehow I knew I would be a mother to someone someday. And here you are, perfect, kind, funny, and now walking and talking. You have shown me there is a version of myself I thought I could only daydream about. You have made the simplest things in life the most beautiful. You have added laughter to our home and I now plead with time to slow down when I am with you. It is when I am not with you though that I long to hold your small hands, and the pit in my stomach appears.

So, the other day as you lay in your crib sleeping I continued to walk throughout the house completing one chore after the other and began to wonder what if I continued to say to no. What if I had been given an opportunity to not have to hand you over to someone else while I sit towns away solving other’s problems and neglect my own.

What if I thought I knew best, and unknowingly could watch you through the backyard as the seasons change instead of randomly getting a photo sent to my phone by a stranger. What if I am again starving myself of the opportunity to be the person I have been looking for, all because I thought I knew best.

What if just like so many people I only believe the conventional way of living is the way to earn an income. And what if one day you ask me why I always had to leave?

Sadly, I would have to tell you I was paralyzed by uncertainty, and was told success was impossible. However, then I begin to wonder what if all these people are wrong? What if I can rid myself of awful feelings and become that version of myself without fearing it will disappear? What if I go back to the basics of just being mom, simple, pure, and say yes to the unknown? What if you all say no and I keep saying yes? What if you all tell me I am going to fail but I succeed? What if once again I let determination take over every ounce of my being and tend to this pit in my stomach, all because you have shown me there is a person worth being and that person is simply your mom (and because of that I have already obtained success).